slightly absurd


This hat is a combination of several patterns I’ve found around the interwebs. I’ll see if I can dig up links to give credit, but in each case I’ve altered the patterns somewhat.

TLDR: I’m a wordy mug, so if you want, you can skip to THE PATTERN.

The hat itself is an adaptation of the Bicycle Wheels hat pattern from Victoria at sew knit me. I knit kind of tightly, so I use bigger needles. Also, I left off the dingleberry when I made it for my friend, Davey-OH!, who discovered the pattern when I asked him to pick one. Then my kids and all of their friends wanted one after my daughter modeled it for me. EVERYONE loves this hat! I’ve even been stopped at Joann and asked what the pattern is called! I had made so many of these that I was very comfortable with not having to check my gauge again, so I stuck with this pattern, but without the purl rows, to make the beanie part of the bearded hat. (Actually, the one in the pictures was a little short, so now I’m making it longer and cuffing the ribbed part before attaching the beard.)


The beard is from the Bearded Beanie by Henya at Chicken Stitches. I didn’t use her hat pattern because, like I said, I was already very comfortable with the bicycle wheels one. I did try the applied I-cord mustache on my first try (bearded hat 1.0), but after looking at it, I felt that it lacked a certain twirly appeal that I saw in the numerous mustaches that my daughters seem to have on everything from t-shirts to duct tape to Christmas tree ornaments. (Thanks, James!) Anyway, the beard from Henya’s pattern is fabulous, and contours to the chin in a most magical fashion. It also has a really nice texture with thick yarn, and a beautiful finished edge.Image

And the pièce de résistance, the twirly mustache, is slightly adapted (or maybe that’s what she meant in the first place, but I’m just writing it differently) from Robyn Wade at Sweet Little Domestic Life. When I tried it as she wrote it, it seemed that the numbers were off, but maybe it was a couple of typos. Anyway, I just changed rounds 10 and 11, and also figured out how to knit the pipe cleaner right inside the I-cord because I don’t have the patience to stuff it in there after the fact.


You can see from my goofy pics (thank you, James!) that the twirly mustache can be bent into whatever shape strikes your fancy.




Gauge: 11 sts 17 rows 5″

Size 13 circular needles (or size to obtain gauge)
Size 10 dpns set of 4
1 skein of Chunky or Bulky weight yarn, like thick & quick
Stitch marker (I use a loop of pink wool roving that has kind of felted itself with age)
Tapestry needle or big plastic needle

On circular needles, CO 44 sts. Place marker and join round without twisting stitches. (Although Möbius strips are cool, they don’t make good hats.)

For a folded ribbed edge, *K2, P2* for 10 rounds. For a shorter ribbed edge, do 7 rounds.
(In the picture, I did *K1, M1, K1, P2tog* for the last round as suggested by Victoria, but I don’t do that with the folded ribbed edge.)

K 12 to 14 rounds.

Crown shaping:

K3, K2tog, (*K4, K2tog*) 6 times, K3
K 1 round
K2tog, (*K3, K2tog*) 6 times, K5
K 1 round
*K3, K2tog* to end with 24 stitches
Moving to smaller DPN, K 1 round, dividing stitches between 3 needles
(I usually put an extra stitch on one to hold the marker in place, so I have 9 on that one, 7 on the next one, and 8 on the other one.)
K 1 round
*K2tog* to end with 12 stitches
K 1 round
*K2tog* to end with 6 stitches and snip the tail to several inches long
Using the tapestry needle, pull the tail through the remaining stitches, and weave in the ends.


Size 10 needles
Bulky yarn (less than a skein)

Weird increase stitch: K1M1 (knit one make one) knit one into the back stitch, leaving the stitch on the left needle, then knit it as usual. Kind of like this video, but doing the back loop first instead of last.

CO 7 sts

Row 1- 8 Slip 1, K5, P1. Row 9 Slip 1, K4, K1M1, K1. 8 stitches. Row 10 K7, P1.

Row 11 Slip 1, K5, K1M1, K1. 9 stitches.

Row 12 K8, P1.

Row 13 Slip 1, K6, K1M1, K1. 10 stitches.

Row 14 K9, P1.

Row 15 Slip 1, K7, K1M1, K1. 11 stitches.

Row 16 K10, P1.

Row 17 Slip 1, K8, K1M1, K1. 12 stitches.

Row 18 K11, P1.

Row 19 Slip 1, K9, K1M1, K1. 13 stitches.

Row 20 K12, P1.

Row 21 Slip 1, K10, K1M1, K1. 14 stitches.

Row 22 K13, P1.

Row 23 Slip 1, K11, K1M1, K1. 15 stitches.

Row 24 K14, P1.

Row 25 Slip 1, K12, K1M1, K1. 16 stitches.

Row 26 K15, P1.

Row 27 Slip 1, K13, K1M1, K1. 17 stitches.

Row 28 K16, P1.

Row 29 Slip 1, K16.

Row 30 K16, P1. Row 31 Slip 1, K13, K2Tog, K1. 16 stitches. Row 32 K15, P1.

Row 33 Slip 1, K12, K2Tog, K1. 15 stitches.

Row 34 K14, P1.

Row 35 Slip 1, K11, K2Tog, K1. 14 stitches.

Row 36 K13, P1.

Row 37 Slip 1, K10, K2Tog, K1. 13 stitches.

Row 38 K12, P1.

Row 39 Slip 1, K9, K2Tog, K1. 12 stitches.

Row 40 K11, P1.

Row 41 Slip 1, K8, K2Tog, K1. 11 stitches.

Row 42 K10, P1.

Row 43 Slip 1, K7, K2Tog, K1. 10 stitches.

Row 44 K9, P1.

Row 45 Slip 1, K6, K2Tog, K1. 9 stitches.

Row 46 K8, P1.

Row 47 Slip 1, K5, K2Tog, K1. 8 stitches.

Row 48 K7, P1.

Row 49 Slip 1, K4, K2Tog, K1. 7 stitches.

Row 50 K6, P1.

Row 51 – 58 Slip 1, K5, P1.

Bind off and weave in ends.

Twirly Mustache

Size 10 dpns (only need 2)
Same bulky yarn as you used for the beard
Pipe cleaner
Smallish crochet hook

CO 8 sts (we’ll make two of these)
Bend pipe cleaner in half to mark the center, then place the center behind your work just as you begin to knit your I-cord. Each time you pull the yarn across the back, ensure that the yarn goes behind the pipe cleaner, trapping it inside. It will be loose until rounds 10 and 11, but you can push it up snugly so that the middle is at the bottom of your knitting after the decreases.

Rnds 1-9: Knit I-cord.

The tricky part:

  1. Slide the knitting to the right to prepare for the next round of I-cord.
  2. Insert the crochet hook down through the middle and snag the I-cord ladder (those loose lace-up stitches in back) from the back of rnd 1.
  3. Pull it up through the center, and place the stitch at the beginning of the needle so that it will be the first stitch you knit. The I-cord gets all smooshed, so you’ll need to snug it back down to the center of the pipe cleaner at this point.

Here’s a link to help you get the idea until I make a video of it:
This is easier done than said, and it’s what really gives the mustache character.

Rnd 10: (K1, K2tog) 3 times. 6 stitches.
Rnd 11: (K1, K2tog) 2 times. 4 stitches. Time to snug it back down to the center of the pipe cleaner.
Rnds 12-the end of this half of the pipe cleaner: Knit I-cord.
Rnd penultimate: K2tog twice
Rnd final: Knit

Cut tail and pull tight through 2 remaining stitches. Weave in end (but leave the tail hanging on the thick end).

CO 8 sts.
Once again, place the center of the free end of the pipe cleaner behind your work just as you begin to knit your I-cord. Each time you pull the yarn across the back, ensure that the yarn goes behind the pipe cleaner, trapping it inside. It will be loose until rounds 10 and 11, but you can push it up snugly so that the bottom of your knitting bumps into the first half of the mustache.

Knit the same as the first half. Use the tail at the thick ends to tie the two halves together, and if the pipe cleaner is a different color than the yarn, wrap it around and tie and wrap around and tie a few times to ensure that it doesn’t show.


Yarn from the hat and from the beard and mustache
Tapestry needle
Diaper pin or large safety pin

  1. Bend the mustache into a slight upside-down V to leave an opening for the mouth.
  2. Pin the mustache onto the beard, leaving the twirlable ends free, pinning the two thick sections well down onto the beard so it won’t droop, and keeping the center up above the beard for the mouth opening.
  3. Hold the beard up over your chin and pull the sides up like you’re attaching it to the hat, and look in a mirror to check your placement.
  4. When you’re happy with it, cut about a foot or so of yarn, and if it’s too thick for sewing, pull it apart (mine was four strands, and I used two strands for sewing), thread the tapestry needle, and sew through the back of the beard to attach the moustache, removing the pin when you can.
  5. Put the hat on, hold the beard up over your chin, pull the hat down over the sides to overlap, and hold one side in place while you remove it and pin it in place.
  6. Using the hat yarn, sew through the back of the beard into the hat to attach the first side.
  7. Try it on again and hold the other side in place until you get it pinned, and sew this side in place.


Sissy, all Pumpkin does is meow about herself.

Dad got no joy riding his motorcycle up and down West Broad trying to find some kind of computer connector dealie (yeah, that’s the technical term). I asked whether he’d tried Radio Shack, and he said that they didn’t have it.

Me: “Radio Shack used to be state-of-the-art, but they don’t seem to keep up these days.”

Dad: “Yeah, now they’re state-of-the-archive.”

This is from a few years back, but I just reminded myself of it with my forgetfulness…

My parents used to travel with these huge grocery bags full of herbal supplements for all kinds of stuff. My dad was particularly fond of ginkgo biloba, which is supposed to enhance the memory. Having never tried it myself, I will nevertheless always remember this quote word for word:

“This brand is the best ginkgo biloba I’ve tried. I mean, it really works! Now if I could just remember where I bought it…”

The priceless part was that he had no clue why I shot coffee out of my nose at that point.

In the car last night, our 7 year old announces “Sierra’s got a boy toy!”

David and I grinned at each other, and he said “Now that’s something I didn’t expect to hear for at least another ten years.”

I had this chat friend back in the early days of IRC, well there were a bunch of us, but this one had the story to beat all. She’s an Australian businesswoman, and was on one of those hideous business trips that have you arriving in town just in time for all-day meetings, so that by the time you get to your hotel room, you’re irritable and exhausted.

So she gets to her room, looking forward only to sleeping off the day, when she notices this annoying buzzing sound. Thinking she’d never get to sleep with that persistent noise, she called the desk and had them send someone to check it out.

The guy comes in, listens, and says “I think it’s coming from your suitcase, ma’am. Do you want me to check it out for you?”

“Uh, NO! No, no no no! That won’t be necessary, thankyouverymuch! Goodbye!”

Yup, she’d forgotten all about good ol’ BOB*.


*battery operated boyfriend

Okay, two stories. Wait, make that three.

First, many many moons ago, when my little cousin, Erinslick, was in either high school or early college, (Ow! Okay, not that many moons ago!) So anyway, as I was saying, she was just about that age when she was testing out whether she might share a naughty joke with the elders in her family. Well, I don’t remember the joke, but I DO remember that it featured “Bowm chick-a WOW wow!” in it, and we all totally lost it. It was so totally unexpected out of little Miss Erin Slick from Punkin Crick!

Second, not so many moons ago, we were all over at my parents’ house, the little ones were all tucked in upstairs, and the grown ups were all joking around and cracking each other up like we do, and I was trying to remember that porno sound effect from Erin’s joke. It was one of those silly moments when I just HAD to have that onomatopoeia (wait, is that an onomatopoeia? oh yeah, it’s an onomatopoeia of a 70’s porn guitar. now where was i?) Okay, so I just absolutely HAD to hear it. NOW. So I was like, hey Mom, Erin wouldn’t mind if I just called her up out of the blue and asked her to do her porn sound effect on speaker phone to a whole roomful of people, right? And Mom says, ya know, I really don’t think she would.

So I called her, explained my dilemma, and asked whether she’d mind if I put her on speaker phone. Being Erin, she did not. Being Erin, she took it all totally in stride, as if cousins calling out of the blue and asking her to make porn sound effects on speakerphone were, if not a common occurrence, not at all unexpected.

And thus, “Bowm chick-a WOW wow!” became a shortcut to that moment, to a giggly frame of mind. And for this, and many other things bright and shiny (if less pornographic), we love Erin.

And that leads us to tonight, and our drive home from one of the giggliest meals we’ve ever shared with our little ones. So the girls are singing and making the inevitable fart jokes and acting goofy in the back seat, and we’re all laughing, and one of our girls, whose name shall not be mentioned because if she ever reads this I will surely suffer, starts singing “Bowm chick-a WOW wow!” (Um, little pitchers? Big ears?)

I’m sitting there next to Cabana Boy in the front, face forward, trying to control some serious guffaws as the “Bowm chick-a WOW wows” multiply in volume and intensity, not to mention creativity, wondering how I can not react to this. I mean, we all know that to crack up at something a kid does is tantamount to an invitation to repeat it ad nauseum, ad infinitum, right? And then to like, go try it out at school and at friends’ houses. And you know, what parent wouldn’t want other parents and teachers speculating on how, exactly, this little girl knows porn music so well? Cabana Boy got the best of me though. He gave me one of those sly sideways grins and told the girls, keep it up! I think Mommy’s gonna explode!

And I did. The End.

The car in front of me on the way to work this morning had one of those license plate frames that typically have some kind of sports fanatic message or a car dealership ad. But this one gave me pause. I couldn’t help trying to imagine the person who would go to the effort to purchase and install one that said along the top:

 I “heart” Baskets!

Baskets?? Just in case there was any confusion, they helpfully provided a row of images along the bottom. Yup, baskets.

I “heart” a lot of things, my kids, Cabana Boy (aka my husband), long hair on guys, Umphrey’s McGee, gorgeous spring days, Alaskan King Crab legs, but I have never been moved to actually purchase and install a license plate frame to proclaim my devotion to any of these things. Seriously, baskets??